FC Barcelona: Duh Winning, Charlie Sheen Style

So I thought I’d write a piece using quotes from Charlie Sheen to describe the super epic rock star winning streak FC Barcelona has had in Spanish and European competitions over the past few years. If you don’t know who Charlie Sheen is I suggest you crawl out from under that rock and watch this also every episode of Two and a Half Men. This contains many quotes from and references to Charlie Sheen interviews.

**This is very tongue in cheek and isn’t meant to offend anyone** **SATIRE**

So we won La Liga for the third time on the trot. The run we were on this season made Manchester United and Real Madrid look like droopy eyed armless children, to be honest.

When Mourinho signed on as manager of Madrid many thought it would turn the tide of dominance in Madrid’s favor. And when Barca fell to Hercules at home early in the season the critics came out in packs. Well you know what, we don't have time for their judgment and their stupidity and you know they lay down with their ugly wives in front of their ugly children and look at their loser lives and then they look at Barca and they say, 'I can't process it' well, no, you never will stop trying, just sit back and enjoy the show. You know?

Mourinho got away with the Copa this year but after Pep’s super rant against him before the quarter final clash in the Champions League Pep must’ve thought. "I wish him nothing but pain in his silly travels especially if they wind up in my octagon. Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words, imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists." Mourinho has clearly picked a fight with a warlock.

Pep is a special manager he’s won all that he can with Barca in such a short time. It’s an unprecedented amount of success really, "I’m tired of pretending I’m not special. I’m tired of pretending I’m not a total ******* rock star from Mars," too bad someone else has already claimed the title "Special One."

He has a couple of rules. I wouldn’t call it a strategy. But that’s nothing to be ashamed of. He exposes people to magic, something they’re never going to otherwise see in their boring normal lives. And that’s a gift man. I bet Pep is proud of what he has created it’s radical.

Most of the credit would have to be put on the world class squad. I mean look at Messi! That guy fires in a way that’s not from this terrestrial realm. Sure Cristiano has scored a few more than Messi this season but Messi won it last time and you know what they say about winning, "after a while it gets boring and you want to try something else." This team has one speed one gear and that’s GO!

This team has got tiger blood (that isn’t to suggest that the players are taking anything nefarious to make them play better)

Can’t is the cancer of happen, and Abidal said, "dying is for fools, amateurs," thus defeating the cancer. After his surgery he said, "I have a disease? BS. I cured it with my brain."

The Champions League final is coming up against EPL Champions Manchester United. While we have a team of high priest football assassin warlocks, Manchester have their own brand of tiger blood and are not to be underestimated. They’re like an f-18 bro, they could destroy us in the air, but we will deploy our ordinance to the ground.

What they're not ready for is guys like Messi and Xavi and Iniesta and all the other gnarly gnarlingtons on our team, that we are high priests, football assassin warlocks. Boom. Print that, people. See where that goes.

We must not take facing Manchester United lightly. Sir Alex Ferguson has his own army of football assassins and they are not soft targets. They have been known to have extreme fight-back-ability and are hard to break down.

Both teams are going to walk into Wembley thinking they have what it takes to be bi-winners. We the viewers have got to hope stuff just comes out and it’s entertaining and fun.

Now Manchester United we’ll be seeing you on the battle field.

While we wait, let us enjoy the song stylings of Charlie Sheen.

Songify This - Winning - a Song by Charlie Sheen (via schmoyoho)

More Charlie Sheen Quotes here here

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