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Barcelona Players' New Year's Resolutions

We look at what Barcelona players will be focusing in the New Year (probably - this article is just for fun!)

More of this please.
More of this please.
David Ramos

It's a New Year, a great time to look at some of the things that went wrong in the past year, vow to improve them, and then forget about it by mid February.

With that in mind, here are what Barcelona players ought to be thinking about improving:

Victor Valdes: 2013 was a success, as Valdes made good on his New Year's promise to stop passing the ball to Real Madrid as much. For 2014, he will focus on winning lots of trophies so Andres Iniesta will stop crying.

Martin Montoya: Get a new agent, one who doesn't want him to play for half the teams in Europe not named Barcelona.

Gerard Pique: Begin something called "defending."

Cesc Fabregas: Stop playing forward. Keep playing midfielder.

Javier Mascherano: Grow about 5 inches taller.

Carles Puyol: Become about 5 years younger.

Dani Alves: Grow 5 inches taller and become 5 years younger.

Pedro Rodriguez: Two trips to Madrid (against Getafe and Rayo Vallecano), two hat tricks. Now do it against Real Madrid and Atletico Madrid.

Andres Iniesta: Now that he has a new contract, perhaps he will make enough money to not have to work at an electronics store.

Xavi: Win the one trophy that up to this point has escaped him, the one that would truly complete his career.. the Europa League.

Alexis Sanchez: Keep scoring his best goal he ever scored against Real Madrid. Forever.


Lionel Messi: Reinforce his hamstrings with adamantium. Then win a World Cup single-handed, just like Diego Maradona did (ahem.)

Adriano: There is not enough adamantium in the world to help this poor guy. (Actually, there is none but shhh.)

Neymar: His 2013 resolution was to stop diving, and he certainly did better... but he's making it his 2014 resolution as well.

Sergio Busquets: See Neymar.

Jose Manuel Pinto: Play in goal with his hair untied. Use his powerful mane to stop goals.


Alex Song: Be less Alex Song.

Jordi Alba: Be as adorable on the pitch as he is off it.

Marc Bartra: Play really, really good then get called up to the Spanish national team, Wait he did this already?? OK then. Keep doing that.

Sergi Roberto: Make everyone be suddenly OK with Thiago Alcantara leaving. No pressure.

Cristian Tello: Improve in every facet of his game that is not "run fast and shoot."

Jonathan dos Santos: Stop getting injured once he started playing minutes.

Oier Olazabal: Stop getting injured having not played a single minute.

Isaac Cuenca : Become more handsome than Pep Guardiola, and force Pep to say "Isaac is so handsome, I'd want him on my team even if he stays injured forever." On that note, stop getting injured.

Ibrahim Afellay: Finally turn 19 years old, having failed to do so for the past 9 years. (This is why he wears #19.) Also, stop getting injured.


Ibrahim Afellay: Allegedly 27 years old.

Actually, that's a good resolution for this whole team: STOP GETTING INJURED!

Happy new year everybody!

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