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Barcelona fans tune into Espanyol game, get Return of the Jedi instead

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Messi and Iniesta decide they’d just dribble everybody because why not?

FC Barcelona v RCD Espanyol - La Liga Photo by David Ramos/Getty Images

Do you remember at the end of Back to the Future where Doc Brown tells Marty that where they are going they don’t need roads? And then he busted out that sweet, sweet flying DeLorean and everybody’s mind was blown? Yeah, that’s exactly how it felt to watch Don Andrés and Messi go off on Espanyol and play, quite honestly, as if they were professionals roughhousing with amateurs. Used to be Nike and Adidas put out really entertaining adverts almost yearly of nigh impossible scenarios of the top players doing fantastic things. Nowadays it feels they don’t even bother anymore as anything Messi does is so far out of this world that even the magic of celluloid falls short.

I honestly can’t fathom what will happen when Messi can no longer don his pair of boots. You’d imagine somebody can aspire to fill the void he’d leave, but really, how much better can you get? If anything, the best of the best could theoretically only hope to match him, but never surpass. If I were to throw some quick numbers around, I can safely assume I’ve been watching soccer for about twenty years, yet I am still awed almost weekly by this man. I quit playing FIFA because I was dangerously close to breaking my television a couple of times, for plays that don’t come even remotely close to what Messi pulled off on Sunday. If somebody destroyed me on a fake game like he did to Espanyol in real life, I would be irate.

Irish Goat’s Gamboling Goleadores!

1st Goleador: Lionel Messi

What’s that? You won your fourth Ballon d’Or? That’s cool, I guess. Me? Not much, man, just chilling, being the undisputedly best player in the world and such. Making defenders wish these events were not televised. Did I ever tell you about this one time an opposing goalkeeper told me his dad started telling his buddies that his son was a doctor after one of the times I played against him? True story, man! What could I do, though? Gave him my shirt after the game…has that ever happened to y—hello? Hello? Cristy?

2nd Goleador: Andrés Iniesta

I don’t think it is any coincidence whatsoever Barcelona has arguably played their best football since Iniesta’s return. Truly one of the all-time greatest players ever, with the ineffable ability to make any team he is a part of substantially better when he is involved. His change of pace is one of the smoothest things I’ve seen in my life. Every coach should Clockwork Orange his players to a continuous loop of Iniesta dribbling. Can’t hurt.

3rd Goleador: Luis Suárez

Luisito played one of the most mobile games of a quality number 9 I have ever seen. If this article is starting to sound like a slew of hyperbole it is because it was simply insane. I apologize for some of that, but it is unavoidable. Luisito was extremely active throughout the game, and was causing defensive breakdowns left and right with his movement and dragging defenders to him. Not for nothing did he net two fantastic tallies in this match.

An honorable mention to Mascherano for his beautiful performance. Would’ve made the list any other day.

As always Visca Barça, happy holidays, and a happy New Year.