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A Barcelona fan's guide to hate watching the Champions League Final

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The UEFA Champions League Final is this Saturday. For most football fans, this is a music to the ears: the most prestigious club competition in the world having its Final in the beautiful Milan of all places, featuring two very good teams. This is a perfect opportunity to grab a beer, join your friends and have fun, regardless of which team you're supporting.

Unless you're a Barcelona fan, of course. After a spectacular season, that had two titles and 39 straight unbeaten games at one point, there is a feeling the Catalan giants should be playing at San Siro -- or Giuseppe Meazza, don't yell at me, Inter fans. After all, this was the undisputed best football team on the planet for a second straight season, and another fantastic year of football should have been rewarded with a place in the European Cup decider.

But that ain't happening, and now we are torn. This should be a fantastic game, but because of the teams involved, and the circumstances that led to those teams being in the Final, there isn't a real reason to be excited about Saturday if you're a Culé. So the question is: what the hell do Barça fans do on Saturday? Should we watch? Should we do something else? Who should we root for? Should we cry?

Don't cry. We've prepared a special guide for Barça fans everywhere with everything you need to know or do on Saturday. These are the simple questions you need to ask yourself:

Do I like watching football?

Well, duh, yes you do. That is the first step. In order to enjoy watching the game, you have to be on some level okay with watching a football match, even though Barcelona is not there. If you're able to do that, you will forget that your team is not there EVEN THOUGH IT FREAKING SHOU... wait, sorry. We all like football. That is the first requirement. Saturday will feature a great football game, one you shouldn't miss if you like the sport for what it is.

Do I like to laugh when teams I hate lose?

If you do, congratulations, you're a sports fan! Every fan of every team of every sport has another team they absolutely hate. It's the nature of sports and that's what makes it so fun. But some people don't hate certain teams to a point where they never want to see them win. Some fans go "ah, I don't care if they win or lose, I only care about my team". If you feel that way, no problem. But if you're a Barça fan, that should be a requirement on Saturday. After all, Atlético Madrid knocked Barcelona out of the Champions League, and are the reason why we're not playing at San Siro/Giuseppe Meazza. And then there's Real Madrid, who needs no introduction. Real Madrid losing is as good or better as Barça winning, and that happening in the European Cup Final would definitely be the highlight of a weekend without Barça.

It's okay if you choose to hate Atlético or Real. There are reasons to hate both of them. But if you don't laugh at one of them in the end, then there's no point of watching the game.

I read all that crap, and I've decided I don't want to watch the game. What should I do?

Well, you are in luck! The modern world is amazing because it gives you great choices for entertainment at any time, so there are great alternatives for you if you decide to skip the game.

Here's a few ideas for you:

  • Friends marathon. Who doesn't love to see one of the funniest shows of all time? I mean, watching Ross and Rachel's on-again-off-again-on-again relationship, Chandler's hilarious sarcasm, Monica's insanely organized life, Joey's charm, and Phoebe's adorable yet weird personality? Perfection! The game could be three hours long if we get extra-time, penalties, and the whole trophy celebrations. You can watch about 10 Friends episodes! To make it easier for you, here's a list of the funniest ever. Use your friend's Netflix account if you don't have one, and go laugh! You will not be disappointed, and you might even forget about crying that Barça isn't playing.
  • FIFA tournament. If you had planned to call your friends to watch the game together, but decided not too, change the plans and include football! Everybody loves to play FIFA, right? So get a group of people and do a video-game tournament! You can play as Barcelona and beat Atlético and Real Madrid while those two teams go at it in real life, and if your friends think you're crazy and decide to go to a bar and watch the game without you, you can always do it alone against the CPU. I guarantee you are not a sad person.
  • Watch Barcelona winning the Champions League in previous years. Come on, we've won five titles! It's much better than not watching Barça on Saturday. You could watch the Ronaldo Koeman free-kick that won the first UCL at Wembley, or the other Wembley Finale win against Manchester United, one of the greatest performances by a football team in the history of mankind.

These are just three of the many, many options you'll have. To mention a few others: taking a three-hour nap, going to the movies (the new X-Men is out!), watching another Netflix thing if you don't like Friends... See, plenty of options!

We hope this guide will help you get through this Saturday. And no matter who wins, we know that Barça is still the best team in the world.