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Sergi Roberto Carnicer: El Carnicero de Paris!

Sergi Roberto Sergi Roberto, Sergi Roberto. Sergi. Roberto. 

FC Barcelona v Paris Saint-Germain - UEFA Champions League Round of 16: Second Leg Photo by Laurence Griffiths/Getty Images

What a time to be alive! I would have never imagined I would be alive to witness such a monumental moment. I nary stopped believing even for a moment, but realistically all I was hoping for was to exit the competition with our heads held high after ninety minutes of torturing the French. I truly couldn’t fathom we would score more than our fair share of goals. The most resounding moment of the game for myself was when Cavani scored. It was a resounding moment for me because even though he scored, and basically dashed our hopes of a remuntada against a wall, I didn’t find the feat made any more daunting, despite that now Barcelona had to score six goals. Such was the dominance and skill on show from the entire team, to be able to utterly control a game to the point where scoring six goals, with only three on the bag and time running out, was a reachable objective.

Now, we’ve all read the fantastical things that have occurred since the game or as a result thereof, such as that miniature earthquake measured when Barça scored the sixth goal. However, there have also been two confirmed reports of some rather eerie events. It seems that there is currently an epidemic raging through the streets of la ciudad condal of people suffering high blood pressure and reduced kidney function. Indeed, this seems to be a result of immeasurable amounts of sodium consumed in the past couple of days, with the first case documented occurring some time Thursday morning. When asked how he may have changed his routine in any way, the poor fellow glanced with haunted eyes at his phone, which was busily buzzing away because of a continues barrage of salty texts.

Another rather bizarre occurrence was the inexplicable mass-event that took place in Paris. It seems that a gaggle of concerned Parisians flocked to the many police prefectures around the city claiming macabre acts of abductions and kidnapping, yet were promptly dismissed when they could offer no evidence as to whom kidnapped them or with what purpose in mind, as they all said they woke up safely in their homes with no memory of the event. The wild-eyed crowd where one and all charged with acts of lewd behavior after dropping their trousers and presenting their bottoms to the police, on all of which was a tattoo of a jovial Umtiti prancing about.

Irish Goat’s Gamboling Goleadores!

1st Goleador: Neymar

Neymar is playing as if he were the embodiment of every Barcelona fan’s wish of having the best version possible of the youngster for the toughest game of the season, or if not toughest then the one that certainly meant the most. I don’t think it is farfetched to say he is playing the best football we have seen him play since he became a Barcelona player. Every single player was essential to the victory against the Parisians, but Neymar was crucial for the entire game.

2nd Goleador: Umtiti

If anybody still had any doubts about Umtiti and him being our CB of the future, one can’t but assume those doubts have been silenced. If they haven’t been quelled, then there is no pleasing you, as the beloved Goldmember would have said. Epic.

3rd Goleador: Sergi Roberto

A terrific sub from Lucho that came on at the best possible time. But even if he had been a raging inferno of inadequacy, he gets a spot for what he did and what that signified. Heck, he might just get a hall pass from me for the rest of the season…in fact, SWEEPING DECLARATION! Sergi Roberto heretofore has a guaranteed spot in the Goleadores for the rest of the season, regardless of his form or even if he does not play.

Visca Barça! Now more than ever, and specially going forward in our fixture against Bayern Munich after the pairing is determined in next week’s draw. You read it here first.

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