clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

A Conspiracy: Neymar Has a Clone. That’s Why His Transfer from Barcelona to PSG is so Confusing.

New, comments

Reports come out today that he’s in Qatar, Brazil, the UAE, Paris, and Barcelona. There’s no other explanation.

Neymar To Receive New Figure For Madame Tussauds Orlando Photo by Madame Tussauds Orlando via Getty Images

Mundo Deportivo is confused. The Catalan daily reported today Neymar was going from China to Dubai and then to Brazil. Believe it or not, they reported that sources in the star’s entourage had told them Neymar was somehow still not sure if he was going to leave Barça for Paris Saint-Germain.

But FC Barcelona said they expected to see Neymar soon for training. Meanwhile, Le Parisien said Neymar was gonna go straight to Paris to be unveiled as a PSG player. Other sources said he was going to Qatar to pass a medical.

And then Ney just posted a picture of him on Instagram that seemed to confirm he was on a flight to Barcelona. MD insist there were pictures that proved Neymar was indeed going to Brazil, but he might not. Because it’s from the same source that would be wrong, that calls into question the entire idea that Neymar is still undecided about the transfer.

So what’s the answer to all this? Simple. Neymar has a clone.

Think about it. How can a player be 200% sure to stay and 400% sure to leave? It all makes too much sense. One’s going to Barcelona and then to Brazil. The other to have a medical in Qatar and then to Paris to sign as a new transfer.

Here’s the conspiracy theory: Paris Saint-Germain wanted to sign Neymar, but the player didn’t want to join. Their solution was to use their vast funds to create a perfect clone, one designed to play in Paris. The scientific process was expensive and risky, but it worked. The only problem? Since they were exact copies, legally they were the same person. Any contract signed by Neymar, his clone was bound by.

Clonemar at first was OK with this. He arranged a pact with Originey: they would take turns playing to keep maximum fitness. But the other one had to stay undercover while one of them played. No one could learn their secret. How could they hide it?

Well, what if they took on the identity of a random Brazilian? Enter: the Douglas transfer.

The real Douglas Pereira was paid off handsomely to never play again. Meanwhile, one of the Neymars would take on his identity when the other one took the mantle of Neymar. Barcelona’s bizarre signing of Douglas was just to cover this.

Notice, Douglas didn’t play much. That was to give the Neymars proper rest. And when Douglas did play, he was bad. This was because wearing the prosthetic equipment and mask to hide as the Douglas identity is extremely cumbersome.

The arrangement was good at first. “Neymar” played some of his best football while “Douglas” was around.

But things soured. Originey was tired of sharing the glory. He wanted to play every game. He convinced the board to loan “Douglas”, actually Clonemar, to Sporting GIjon. Notice “Douglas” suddenly was playing a lot more?

“Neymar’s” finishing took quite a dip without his clone to give him rest. While “Neymar” was great at times, he was inconsistent without his clone easing his workload.

After an unsuccessful season for FC Barcelona, Originey decided it was time to reunite with his clone. This time, “Douglas” would go to another club entirely to keep suspicions low. But Clonemar had had enough. He told PSG he was ready to sign for them. He leaked to the press he wanted to “leave Lionel Messi’s shadow” but what he really wanted to leave was his original’s shadow.

The bit about “PSG might get in trouble with Financial Fair Play”? It’s not that. They’re trying to find a loophole to have a clone play for them while the original is still at Barça.

Now Originey and Clonemar are fighting it out. One of them wants to go, one wants to stay.

That, or Neymar just likes to play with our feelings.