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Breaking News: Juan Cuadrado Still Not A Full-Back

Colombia have just kicked off their 2014 World Cup campaign, and surprise, surprise, FC Barcelona target and rumoured Dani Alves replacement Juan Cuadrado still isn't a full-back...

Dino Panato

Transfer windows are long, arduous affairs, devoid of soul; introduced by football federations to promote stability, they have been claimed by the modern media as nothing more than a money-making tool, as increasingly stupid transfer rumours are used as a vehicle to generate revenue. The transfer rumours’ rise to prevalence has ultimately destroyed the credibility of most media outlets and simply serve to promote idiocy, ignorance and impatience amongst the modern football fan.

In general, that’s bad. But sometimes there are rumours so stupid, so inherently flawed and illogical that transfer rumours stop being annoying, and start being fun.

We’ve had a few over the years, especially with FC Barcelona. Lionel Messi signing for Anzhi Makhachkala? Lionel Messi signing for Paris-Saint Germain? Lionel Messi signing for Manchester City? Alright, all my examples involve Lionel Messi, but we’ve had a few others – Andrés Iniesta to Manchester United for example, but it’s rare that we get a stupid rumour involving a player joining FC Barcelona.

However, this summer has been the exception, you’ve certainly seen it before – Juan Cuadrado to FC Barcelona. Alone, it’s a relatively normal rumour. He had a good season for Fiorentina, so why not? But wait, there’s more – Juan Cuadrado to FC a replacement for Dani Alves?

Much better!

According to, Cuadrado played one match at right-back this season, but for context, he also played two matches as centre-forward. OK, but maybe he just moved forward this season?

Oh...a quick glance suggests that Cuadrado didn’t play a single match at full-back in 2012/13, and just two matches there across the entirety of 2011/12. After all, when I’m replacing a club legend and one of the best right-backs of all-time, the first place I would look is for someone who doesn’t even play the same position.

Boy am I glad that we only have another two and half months of this nonsense.

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